I don't remember

I don't remember the person I used to be anymore. It scares me. I don't remember the determination and persistence. I don't remember the accolades, the grades, the scores. I don't remember this week exactly 1 year ago, by far the best week of my life. The culmination of four years of hard work that ended in the "large" envelopes, those of acceptance. I don't remember the paid visits to schools across the country. I don't remember the school in North Carolina, the school that I fell in love with. I don't remember making friends with people with amazing stories, the vegan girl who had lived in Africa for a year, the boy from South Dakota who worked on Obama's campaign trail, the girl who had actually been on the show Laguna Beach. I don't remember the visits, the entire month of April spend touring schools. I don't remember the school in Palo Alto, the school that had been my dream school, the school that I thought I would be going to for sure. I don't remember the night of April 30th, I don't remember the tears as I filled out declination cards for all those schools. I don't remember sending all ten of those cards out in the mail. I don't remember regretting that decision the moment I slipped those cards into the outbox. I don't remember the regret with which I came here, I don't remember the apathy with which I have lived this year. I don't remember the nights spent wondering "what if". What if I had gone to one of those schools, what if I was still the person I was in high school. The girl that knew she would go to a good school, the girl who wanted to make something of herself. What if my parents had agreed to pay the 200k tuition. What if at this very moment in time I would be ending my first year at the school in Durham or Palo Alto. What if...